Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Randomize
