I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
I murdered the dance floor call the cops
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
