he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
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