Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Randomize
