i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
