his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Two words: blizzard sex
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Randomize
