i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
