You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Randomize
