Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Randomize
