Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize
