I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Randomize
