I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
I think i sorta joined a cult last night
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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