My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
