so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize