maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
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