I met the friendliest cop last night
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
rhymes with "ouble enetration"
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
It's official drugs can't kill me
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
At least life still wants to fuck me.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Randomize
