Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
