I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
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