I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Randomize
