My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
