We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Randomize
