She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Randomize
