the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
Randomize
