So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I am midnight drunk by noon
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
Randomize
