I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
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