so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Randomize
