I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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