the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
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