Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
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