I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Randomize
