I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Randomize
