Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
