Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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