i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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