somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
Randomize
