I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Randomize