I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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