he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
