So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Randomize
