my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
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