I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Your cock deserves a montage
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Randomize
