All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Your penis caused this!
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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