pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
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