I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
