I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
