I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
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