My boss' voice literally gives me gas
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Why did my mother make you get naked?
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
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