So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
Randomize
