The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
