can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
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