I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Randomize
