My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
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