I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Randomize
