I murdered the dance floor call the cops
This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Randomize
