Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
