When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Randomize
