I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
