I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Randomize
