"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Randomize
