So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Randomize
