Someone shit on the floor
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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