Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
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