Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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