Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
