the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Randomize
