if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Randomize
