I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Randomize
