The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Randomize
